I was pregnant with my fifth child, and my husband was gone. We had separated several months before, and I was drowning in loneliness. I missed everything about him. I missed our laughter, long talks, and how beautiful he made me feel.
Homeschooling my babies kept me busy during the day. But at night, I was overcome with grief. I would never want to repeat that season, yet God accomplished much during it. In the bleakness of that lonely season, God taught me to forgive.
First, I had to forgive God.
Yes, I know that sounds ridiculous. But I was angry with God. I was frustrated about the years of chaos that I had to endure. In my mind, I had suffered faithfully. Despite my husband’s multiple infidelities, I had never cheated on him. I had tried to be patient with his shifting moods and substance abuse. I had done my best to raise my children according to God’s Word. Yet, despite all my effort, I was now raising my babies alone. I was furious with the outcome. Although I wouldn’t admit it at first, in the deepest recesses of my heart, I blamed God.
Ultimately, I had to confront my anger. Nothing that occurred was God’s fault, and though I was slow to realize it, I wasn’t innocent either. My codependency on my husband hadn’t helped our situation. My bitterness and frustration hadn’t, either. Once I could admit I was angry with God, I could forgive Him. He had not done any wrong to me. He kept me despite my choices and my circumstance. He blessed me with beautiful children and ensured we were always provided for no matter the financial obstacles we faced. I may not have been as faithful as I thought, but He was more than trustworthy.
Knowing whom God is and understanding His promises helps us love and forgive Him if necessary. God wants us to be strong and courageous and promises He will be with us. He promises never to abandon us. (Deuteronomy 31:6) Our Father is strong enough to carry us and all our anxieties, and nothing separates us from His love. (1 Peter 5:7) (Romans 8:38-39)
No matter what trials we face or suffering we endure, we can count on Him to stand beside and comfort us. (Psalm 23:4) But, there is one thing we can count on, Christ is our best friend. (John 5:13-14)
Next, I had to forgive myself.
As we face difficult situations, we may blame ourselves for problems we are not responsible for or fail to take responsibility for situations we should. I was not responsible for my husband’s choices. But, I was responsible for not setting firmer boundaries within my marriage.
Blame is not of God. He does not point fingers at us but calls us to himself. Blaming others and ourselves are tools of our enemy used to keep us bound in grief and sadness. It is crippling and can keep us from resting in the promises of God and the peace that He provides.
Then, I had to forgive others.
In my grief, I began to isolate myself. I told myself that I was busy with my children, but in reality, I didn’t have the energy to pretend I was okay. I was angry with my husband for abandoning us, but my gentle, loving Father was not content to let me stay like that. He ushered people into my life that wrapped their arms around my children and me and taught me to forgive.
We can't grasp hold of the joy of Christ and hold onto our anger. Click To TweetBitterness and unforgiveness keep us shackled in our pasts.
Our anger will consume us if we allow it to. It blinds us and keeps us from establishing relationships with other people. Our distrust of others prevents us from letting people close to us.
Often we fear that we will be hurt or abandoned. We fear vulnerability and deception and preemptively react by avoiding close and transparent relationships. Inevitably we sabotage our chance at meaningful relationships. Some subconsciously fear that we won’t be accepted if we are indeed seen, so we hide. Many don’t want to be seen as needy, so we don’t reach out for connection.
Shutting ourselves off from the world only leaves us alone. Each of us needs connections with other people. This need makes us strong. It makes us human. Yes, Christ is our first friend, but we must be bold and unafraid to pursue relationships with others.
Many of us have church hurt, having experienced betrayal or persecution by those within the body of Christ. This type of hurt can be one of the most painful, as it involves individuals we feel should represent Christ. But we can’t let these past hurts stop us from reaching out for friendships within the Body.
Instead, let’s remember that all people are flawed and have scars others can’t see. Perhaps we received their mistreatment or abuse because of their scars. That doesn’t mean we must willingly subject ourselves to further abuse, but we should forgive them, pray for them and ask the Lord to open our hearts to accept new healthy relationships. (Proverbs 17:17) (Psalm 18:24) (Proverbs 12:26)
God knows what we’ve endured. He’s been with us as we’ve suffered duplicity or deception, and we honor and obey Him when we forgive. In return, he blesses us with peace and renews our love for Him and others. Further, we are called to be peacemakers, and when we walk in peace and forgiveness, we walk boldly like Christ, both in and through His power. Our lives can be used to bless and to heal.
Being brave enough to be transparent allowed me to experience a spirit of unity. This led to excellent relationships within the Body of Christ. Some of life’s most beautiful and rewarding friendships are among the women of God. Strong, godly ladies can help keep us grounded and point us in Christ’s direction daily, and especially when we need it most. (Psalm 133:1)
As I experienced the peace that came with forgiveness, God also taught me the joy of serving others. When we serve others, we continue to open ourselves up to new relationships and bless people the way that we have been blessed.
We were created for relationships with God and with other people. (Psalm 133:1) Yet, research has shown that 1 out of every three people experienced feelings of isolation from others, and almost twice that many felt like no one in their life knew them very well. If you are reading this, you might be one of those people or at least know someone to whom this applies. If you do, there is good news!
God knows you – very well.
And He loves you so much that He promises never to leave you.
He has prepared a place for you and designed relationships for you.
He has work for you to do.
He has a purpose for your life and wants you to walk in freedom from guilt, shame, fear, and loneliness.
We can rejoice because our Father waits to pour His peace and joy onto us and our lives.
For further study: Deuteronomy 31:6, 1 Peter 5:7, Psalm 23:4, John 5:13-14, Psalm 133:1, Ephesians 4:2-3, Revelations 3:8
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